What to wear to a Punjabi wedding

If you have been invited to your first Punjabi wedding, the invitation probably listed several events across several days and gave you no guidance whatsoever about what any of them require. Here is what people actually wear, function by function.

Two rules apply throughout, and they cover most of what you need. Do not wear white or predominantly black to the ceremony — white is associated with mourning, and black is traditionally avoided at an anand karaj. And do not wear red, or the bride's colour, to the ceremony. Beyond that, brighter is safer than muted; this is not an event where anyone is trying to be understated.

Roka or chunni — the smallest one

An engagement-style event, often at home or a small hall, usually daytime. The least formal function of the week and frequently the one people overdress for.

Women: a good cotton, muslin or chinon suit. A cord set works well here. Light jewellery.

Men: a plain or lightly worked kurta pajama in cotton or muslin. No sherwani.

Mehendi — colour and comfort

Daytime, often outdoors or in a garden, and long. Henna is being applied, food is being eaten, and people are sitting on the floor as often as on chairs.

Women: bright colours — yellow, orange, green, fuchsia. This is the function where a sharara comes into its own, because you can move and sit in it. Keep the fabric light: organza, cotton, chinon. Avoid long sleeves that will get in the way of the henna, and go easy on the bangles for the same reason.

Men: a bright or pastel kurta with a churidar or straight pajama. This is the one function where men can be genuinely colourful without looking like they misread the invitation.

The thing nobody warns you about: haldi, if there is one, stains permanently. Wear something you are not precious about, or expect yellow.

Sangeet — the one you will dance at

Evening, high energy, several hours on your feet. The most fun function and the one most often ruined by the wrong outfit.

Women: festive but wearable. A lehenga with moderate flare, a sharara, or a heavily worked suit. The test is whether you can raise your arms above your head and sit down comfortably. Heavy hem embroidery will punish you by hour three. Broken-in juttis rather than new heels — this is not the night to break shoes in.

Men: a silk or dupion kurta with subtle thread work, churidar, and a contrast stole if the occasion calls for it. Some men wear an Indo-Western jacket here; both are fine.

Anand Karaj — the ceremony itself

Morning, usually in a gurdwara. This is the most formal function in terms of etiquette, though not necessarily the most elaborate in terms of clothing.

Everyone: your head must be covered inside the gurdwara. Women should bring a dupatta long enough to drape over the head and keep there — a short or slippery one will be a distraction for the whole ceremony. Men need a scarf or rumal; they are usually available at the entrance, but bringing your own that matches your outfit is better. Shoulders and legs covered, and shoes come off.

Women: a well-made suit, a saree, or a modest lehenga. Not red, not white, not black. You will be sitting cross-legged on the floor for an hour or more, so choose accordingly — a very structured skirt is a poor decision here.

Men: kurta pajama, ideally in cream, ivory, pastel or a muted jewel tone. A sherwani if you are close family.

Reception — the dressiest

Evening, hotel or banquet hall, and the function with the fewest traditional restrictions. Black is generally acceptable here, unlike at the ceremony.

Women: your most formal option — a worked lehenga, a silk or organza saree, or an Indian gown. Deep jewel tones photograph best under banquet lighting, which is unflattering to pale shades.

Men: a sherwani, or a formal silk kurta set with a stole. This is where structure is worth the discomfort.

For the groom and his family

The groom needs a sherwani for the ceremony and reception and two or three kurta sets for the functions either side. Buy them together rather than separately — it is faster, and the colours end up working across the photographs instead of nearly working.

Coordinate with the bride rather than matching her. Sharing one colour through the stole or the embroidery tone photographs far better than two outfits in the identical shade, which tends to flatten out under camera flash.

Brothers, fathers and close friends should assume a sherwani or a formal kurta set for the main day. Turban colour is usually coordinated across the groom's party, so ask rather than guess.

Practical things worth knowing

• Buy juttis when you buy the outfit, not the week of. New leather juttis need a few days of wearing in, and hems are cut to the shoe.
• Ottawa venues are cold in winter and hot in summer. A January reception and an August mehendi are genuinely different fabric decisions.
• Bring a spare dupatta pin. Everyone forgets, someone always needs one.
• Two to four weeks is enough lead time for a guest outfit. For the groom, two to three months.